It was glorious at the start, and an absolute torture towards the end...
I have been married for 12 years. I have a son and a daughter. Yet, I put everything at risk because I was unhappy. If there is one thing I regret doing, it is this unfaithfulness that I carry in my heart when I met this man named TJ.
He was a cousin of a friend, so somehow we've heard of each other. When we were introduced in a bar, I already had a few drinks and was a bit tipsy. You could say that he seduced me, that he started it. But I didn't put up a fight.
My husband is ambitious. At first, I thought that was good but all he wanted was to work and get more money. I got tired of his ways. I felt useless. I even thought that I was getting in the way of his success. I wanted a life, to feel special. When friends asked me out, I went with them.
I'm ashamed to say that this affair was not my first. I've had flings just before we got married. Going astray was not new to me. I thought that my life would not be so dull if I met other people other than my husband. And TJ was very unlike my husband; he made me feel special.
The night we met, I was particularly down because I had a nasty fight with my sister. My husband was out of town. TJ offered me sound advice and made me feel good.When he invited me out the following day, I agreed even though I knew where it was going.He was single although he had a girlfriend. I was married and that he had a relationship was not problem for me.
The next evening, we went out for dinner and talked more about ourselves before going back to his condo. It was as if I was single. The sex was fantastic. Looking back, I think I just loved it because I was tired of the same old routine, of me waiting for my hub to give me some form of attention.
I was living a double life. I never left my cell phone out in the open. If I accidentally left it at home, I would go back and get it. I was afraid that someone might see TJ's messages. We talked on the phone during the day, nearly every day. I always had to invent excuses when my husband was around.
It was intoxicating. Every time we met, I felt like a different person, liberated, free and happy. I felt drunk with the way TJ treated me because to him, I was special.
Four months into the relationship, I got what I wanted.TJ finally broke up with his girlfriend. Problem was, he also wanted me to break up with my husband and live with him. Of course, it was not that simple. But TJ was insistent, and that started some round of fights. Although I didn't want it to be just a fling with TJ, even if I wasn't sure I wanted to leave my husband and live with him, I vacillated between leaving my husband and moving in with TJ to keeping things as they are.
I chose to keep things as they were.I was too comfortable living this kind of life, and like TJ in the beginning, I wasn't ready to confront my husband with this, nor was I ready to give up everything for TJ, even if we connected. TJ listened to me the way my husband never did. The affair lasted for a year and a half. I thought it was perfect.
But all wasn't perfect. Ever since the affair began, I found myself constantly broke. My savings was wiped out. TJ wasn't well off himself, so I never pressured him to shoulder all expenses. We always split the bill. As with the other things, I didn't mind at first, but it got to be a strain in the end and, after a while, we started fighting about this, too.
Through all that, I didn't feel guilty about cheating on my husband. I felt bad about all the lies and deceit I had to concoct to steal away with TJ. But I figured that what my husband didn't know wouldn't hurt him, so I was careful. There were many time when TJ and I were together that my husband would call up just to check on me, and I would panic. I would signal TJ to be quiet and ready myself with excuses. My husband never suspected anything.
Another thing that put a strain on the affair was the fact that I could not tell anyone about TJ. I didn't have a sounding board. There were times I'd feel devastated about a fight and I'd have no one to turn to for solace. Worse, I hardly spent time with my family anymore. It was emotionally exhausting.
It all began to file up: the lies, the financial strain, the time taken away from my family. It began to dawn on me that something was not right. TJ was also starting to become insecure. He wanted to know where I was all the time, what I did with my husband, who I was with during the day. He broke off with his girl at my request, and he could not accept the fact that I was still very much married. He became clingy and demanding.
In contrast, I started to withdraw from him. I started calling him less, and for some reason resented everything he said. I began seeing him as an egoistic, demanding, needy person. The tables were turned. He wanted commitment and monogamy from me, and I was reluctant to give it. In the end, I stopped receiving his calls. I didn't need this kind of problem, I thought. Suddenly, I craved for a peaceful, less complicated life. I think he sensed it too which is probably why he flew over one day to confront me. He asked me straight out if I wanted to end our relationship. I said yes, and to my surprise and relief, he consented. There was no big fight; we were calm. I learned afterwards that he started seeing his old girlfriend. But, I didn't care anymore. I wanted out.
I realized that life with TJ was not worth giving up my family for. I felt sorry for them. I had also become weary of keeping up with the double life I was living. But I have not come clean, I don't think I will. I'm eaten up by guilt, although, as days pass, the guilt becomes a dull ache I am able to suppress just so I can go on. But it is with me still.
Like the proverbial unfaithful spouse, I'm still trying to make up for it, making sure I'm a good wife. I have promised myself to be faithful to my husband, to give my life with him. But I can't bring myself to tell him about TJ. I'm not ready to disclose the details of my deceit nor am I ready for the consequences. I live in constant fear that one day my husband will find out and I would lose everything.
Why couldn't have I just told him I was unhappy with our marriage? Why didn't I just tell him what I wanted? But regret comes too late.
It's funny but I can say in all honesty that if my husband tells me now that he had cheated on me, I can bring myself to forgive him. I just know that I would understand. I would take him back. It's probably because it is what I crave for myself...To be forgiven and given another chance...
I have been married for 12 years. I have a son and a daughter. Yet, I put everything at risk because I was unhappy. If there is one thing I regret doing, it is this unfaithfulness that I carry in my heart when I met this man named TJ.
He was a cousin of a friend, so somehow we've heard of each other. When we were introduced in a bar, I already had a few drinks and was a bit tipsy. You could say that he seduced me, that he started it. But I didn't put up a fight.
My husband is ambitious. At first, I thought that was good but all he wanted was to work and get more money. I got tired of his ways. I felt useless. I even thought that I was getting in the way of his success. I wanted a life, to feel special. When friends asked me out, I went with them.
I'm ashamed to say that this affair was not my first. I've had flings just before we got married. Going astray was not new to me. I thought that my life would not be so dull if I met other people other than my husband. And TJ was very unlike my husband; he made me feel special.
The night we met, I was particularly down because I had a nasty fight with my sister. My husband was out of town. TJ offered me sound advice and made me feel good.When he invited me out the following day, I agreed even though I knew where it was going.He was single although he had a girlfriend. I was married and that he had a relationship was not problem for me.
The next evening, we went out for dinner and talked more about ourselves before going back to his condo. It was as if I was single. The sex was fantastic. Looking back, I think I just loved it because I was tired of the same old routine, of me waiting for my hub to give me some form of attention.
I was living a double life. I never left my cell phone out in the open. If I accidentally left it at home, I would go back and get it. I was afraid that someone might see TJ's messages. We talked on the phone during the day, nearly every day. I always had to invent excuses when my husband was around.
It was intoxicating. Every time we met, I felt like a different person, liberated, free and happy. I felt drunk with the way TJ treated me because to him, I was special.
Four months into the relationship, I got what I wanted.TJ finally broke up with his girlfriend. Problem was, he also wanted me to break up with my husband and live with him. Of course, it was not that simple. But TJ was insistent, and that started some round of fights. Although I didn't want it to be just a fling with TJ, even if I wasn't sure I wanted to leave my husband and live with him, I vacillated between leaving my husband and moving in with TJ to keeping things as they are.
I chose to keep things as they were.I was too comfortable living this kind of life, and like TJ in the beginning, I wasn't ready to confront my husband with this, nor was I ready to give up everything for TJ, even if we connected. TJ listened to me the way my husband never did. The affair lasted for a year and a half. I thought it was perfect.
But all wasn't perfect. Ever since the affair began, I found myself constantly broke. My savings was wiped out. TJ wasn't well off himself, so I never pressured him to shoulder all expenses. We always split the bill. As with the other things, I didn't mind at first, but it got to be a strain in the end and, after a while, we started fighting about this, too.
Through all that, I didn't feel guilty about cheating on my husband. I felt bad about all the lies and deceit I had to concoct to steal away with TJ. But I figured that what my husband didn't know wouldn't hurt him, so I was careful. There were many time when TJ and I were together that my husband would call up just to check on me, and I would panic. I would signal TJ to be quiet and ready myself with excuses. My husband never suspected anything.
Another thing that put a strain on the affair was the fact that I could not tell anyone about TJ. I didn't have a sounding board. There were times I'd feel devastated about a fight and I'd have no one to turn to for solace. Worse, I hardly spent time with my family anymore. It was emotionally exhausting.
It all began to file up: the lies, the financial strain, the time taken away from my family. It began to dawn on me that something was not right. TJ was also starting to become insecure. He wanted to know where I was all the time, what I did with my husband, who I was with during the day. He broke off with his girl at my request, and he could not accept the fact that I was still very much married. He became clingy and demanding.
In contrast, I started to withdraw from him. I started calling him less, and for some reason resented everything he said. I began seeing him as an egoistic, demanding, needy person. The tables were turned. He wanted commitment and monogamy from me, and I was reluctant to give it. In the end, I stopped receiving his calls. I didn't need this kind of problem, I thought. Suddenly, I craved for a peaceful, less complicated life. I think he sensed it too which is probably why he flew over one day to confront me. He asked me straight out if I wanted to end our relationship. I said yes, and to my surprise and relief, he consented. There was no big fight; we were calm. I learned afterwards that he started seeing his old girlfriend. But, I didn't care anymore. I wanted out.
I realized that life with TJ was not worth giving up my family for. I felt sorry for them. I had also become weary of keeping up with the double life I was living. But I have not come clean, I don't think I will. I'm eaten up by guilt, although, as days pass, the guilt becomes a dull ache I am able to suppress just so I can go on. But it is with me still.
Like the proverbial unfaithful spouse, I'm still trying to make up for it, making sure I'm a good wife. I have promised myself to be faithful to my husband, to give my life with him. But I can't bring myself to tell him about TJ. I'm not ready to disclose the details of my deceit nor am I ready for the consequences. I live in constant fear that one day my husband will find out and I would lose everything.
Why couldn't have I just told him I was unhappy with our marriage? Why didn't I just tell him what I wanted? But regret comes too late.
It's funny but I can say in all honesty that if my husband tells me now that he had cheated on me, I can bring myself to forgive him. I just know that I would understand. I would take him back. It's probably because it is what I crave for myself...To be forgiven and given another chance...
